对生活的评注 2-13

THE RICE WAS ripening, the green had a golden tinge, and the evening sun was upon it. There were long, narrow ditches filled with water, and the water caught the darkening light. The palm trees hung over the rice fields all along their edge, and among the palms there were little houses, dark and secluded. The lane meandered lazily through the rice fields and palm groves. It was a very musical lane. A boy was playing the flute, with the rice field before him. He had a clean, healthy body, well-proportioned and delicate, and he wore only a clean white cloth around his loins; the setting sun had just caught his face, and his eyes were smiling. He was practicing the scale, and when he got tired of that, he would play a song. He was really enjoying it, and his enjoyment was contagious. Though I sat down only a little distance away from him, he never stopped playing. The evening light, the green-golden sea of the field, the sun among the palms, and this boy playing his flute, seemed to give to the evening an enchantment that is rarely felt. Presently he stopped playing and came over and sat beside me; neither of us said a word, but he smiled and it seemed to fill the heavens. His mother called from some house hidden among the palms; he did not respond immediately, but at the third call he got up, smiled, and went away. Further along the path a girl was singing to some stringed instrument, and she had a fairly nice voice. Across the field someone picked up the song and sang with full-throated ease, and the girl stopped and listened till the male voice had finished it. It was getting, dark now. The evening star was over the field, and the frogs began to call.

稻米成熟了，绿野有金黄的色调，傍晚的阳光照在上面。有又长又窄的沟渠，里面装满了水，水抓住了渐暗的光芒。棕榈树沿着稻田的边缘悬挂着，在棕榈树之间有一些小房子，黑暗而僻静。小巷懒洋洋地蜿蜒穿过稻田和棕榈树林。这是一条非常音乐的小路。一个男孩正在吹笛子，稻田在他面前。他身体干净健康，匀称娇小，腰部只穿了一块干净的白布。夕阳刚刚抓住他的脸，他的眼睛在微笑。他正在练习音阶，当他厌倦了，他会吹一首歌。他真的很享受，他的享受是有感染力的。虽然我坐在离他只有一点点距离的地方，但他从未停止过演奏。傍晚的灯光，田野的绿金色大海，棕榈树中的阳光，以及这个吹着笛子的男孩，似乎给夜晚带来了一种很少感受到的魅力。现在他停止了演奏，走过来坐在我旁边。我们俩都没说一句话，但他笑了，似乎填满了天空。他的母亲从藏在棕榈树间的房子里呼喊。他没有立即回应，但在第三次呼唤时，他站起来，微笑着走开了。再往前走，一个女孩正在用某种弦乐器唱歌，她的声音相当不错。田野对面有人跟着这首曲子，轻而易举地唱出歌来，女孩停了下来，听着，直到男声结束。天色渐渐黑了。傍晚的星星在田野上空，青蛙开始叫唤。

How we want to possess the coconut, the woman, and the heavens! We want to monopolize, and things seem to acquire greater value through possession. When we say, ‘It is mine’ the picture seems to become more beautiful, more worthwhile; it seems to acquire greater delicacy, greater depth and fullness. There is a strange quality of violence in possession. The moment one says, ‘It is mine’, it becomes a thing to be cared for, defended, and in this very act there is a resistance which breeds violence. Violence is ever seeking success; violence is self-fulfilment. To succeed is always to fail. Arrival is death and travelling is eternal. To gain, to be victorious in this world, is to lose life. How eagerly we pursue an end! But the end is everlasting, and so is the conflict of its pursuit. Conflict is constant overcoming, and what is conquered has to be conquered again and again. The victor is ever in fear, and possession is his darkness. The defeated, craving victory, loses what is gained, and so he is as the victor. To have the bowl empty is to have life that is deathless.

我们多么想占有椰子、女人和天堂！我们想要垄断，而东西似乎通过占有获得了更大的价值。当我们说，‘这是我的’，图片似乎变得更漂亮，更有价值；它似乎获得了更大的精致，更大的深度和丰满。占有似乎拥有一种奇怪的暴力性。一旦一个人说，“这是我的”，它就变成了一件需要照看和捍卫的东西，而在这个行为中，就有一种滋生暴力的抵抗。暴力永远在寻求成功；暴力是自我的满足。成功总是失败。抵达即是终结，旅行是永恒的。去获取，在这个世界上得胜，就是丧失生命。我们多么热切地追求终点！但终点总是存在的，追求它的冲突也总是在持续。冲突是不断地战胜，被征服的东西必须一次又一次地被征服。胜利者永远处于恐惧之中，占有物就是他的黑暗。被打败的，渴望着胜利，失去即是收获，所以他就是胜利者。碗里空着，即是拥有不死的生命。

They had been married for only a short time and were still without a child. They seemed so young, so distant from the marketplace, so timid. They wanted to talk things over quietly, without being rushed and without the feeling that they were keeping others waiting. They were a nice looking couple, but there was strain in their eyes; their smiles were easy, but behind the smile was a certain anxiety. They were clean and fresh, but there was a whisper of inner struggle. Love is a strange thing, and how soon it withers, how soon the smoke smothers the flame! The flame is neither yours nor mine; it is just flame, clear and sufficient; it is neither personal nor impersonal; it is not of yesterday or tomorrow. It has healing warmth and a perfume that is never constant. It cannot be possessed, monopolized, or kept in one’s hand. If it is held, it burns and destroys, and smoke fills our being; and then there is no room for the flame.

他们结婚的时间很短，仍然没有孩子。他们看起来那么年轻，那么远离市场，那么胆怯。他们想安静地谈论事情，不要匆忙，也不会觉得他们在让别人等待。他们是一对好看的夫妇，但他们的眼睛里有压力。他们的笑容很容易，但笑容的背后却是某种焦虑。他们干净清新，但有一种内心挣扎的低语。爱情是一件奇怪的事情，它多么快就枯萎了，烟雾很快就熄灭了火焰！火焰既不是你的，也不是我的。它只是火焰，清晰和充足；它既不是个人的，也不是非个人的；它不是昨天或明天的。它具有治愈的温暖和永不恒定的香氛。它不能被占有、垄断或掌握在人的手中。如果它被持有，它就会燃烧和毁坏，烟雾会充满我们的一切；然后就没有火焰存在的空间了。

He was saying that they had been married for two years, and were now living quietly not far from a biggish town. They had a small farm, twenty or thirty acres of rice and fruit, and some cattle. He was interested in improving the breed, and she in some local hospital work. Their days were full, but it was not the fullness of escape. They had never tried to run away from anything – except from their relations, who were very traditional and rather tiresome. They had married in spite of family opposition, and were living alone with very little help. Before they married they had talked things over and decided not to have children.

他说他们已经结婚两年了，现在安静地住在离一个大城镇不远的地方。他们有一个小农场，二三十英亩的水稻和水果，还有一些牛。他对改良品种很感兴趣，她在当地一些医院工作。他们的日子很充实，但并不是逃离的充实。他们从未试图逃避任何东西 —— 除了他们之间的关系，他们非常传统且相当令人枯燥。他们不顾家人的反对结婚，独自生活，几乎没有什么帮助。在他们结婚之前，他们已经谈过了事情，并决定不生孩子。

Why? “We both realized what a frightful mess the world is in, and to produce more babies seemed a sort of crime. The children would almost inevitably become mere bureaucratic officials, or slaves to some kind of religious-economic system. Environment would make them stupid, or clever and cynical. Besides, we had not enough money to educate children properly.”

为什么？ “我们都意识到世界是多么可怕的混乱，生更多的婴儿似乎是一种犯罪。孩子们几乎不可避免地会沦为官僚系统的官员，或某种宗教经济体系的奴隶。环境会让他们变得愚蠢，或者聪明和愤世嫉俗。此外，我们没有足够的钱来正确地教育孩子。”

What do you mean by properly? “To educate children properly we would have to send them to school not only here but abroad. We would have to cultivate their intelligence, their sense of value and beauty, and help them to take life richly and happily so that they would have peace in themselves; and of course they would have to be taught some kind of technique which wouldn’t destroy their souls. Besides all this, considering how stupid we ourselves were, we both felt that we should not pass on our own reactions and conditioning to our children. We didn’t want to propagate modified examples of ourselves.”

你说的‘正确’是什么意思？ “为了正确教育孩子，我们不仅要把他们送到学校，还要送到国外。我们必须培养他们的智慧，他们的价值感和美丽，帮助他们丰富而快乐地生活，这样他们才能拥有和平；当然，他们必须被教导某种不会摧毁他们灵魂的技术。除此之外，考虑到我们自己是多么愚蠢，我们都觉得我们不应该把自己的反应和束缚传递给我们的孩子。我们不想传播自己修改过的例子。”

Do you mean to say you both thought all this out so logically and brutally before you got married? You drew up a good contract; but can it be fulfilled as easily as it was drawn up? Life is a little more complex than a verbal contract, is it not? “That is what we are finding out. Neither of us has talked about all this to anyone else either before or since our marriage, and that has been one of our difficulties. We didn’t know anybody with whom we could talk freely, for most older people take such arrogant pleasure in disapproving or patting us on the back. We heard one of your talks, and we both wanted to come and discuss our problem with you. Another thing is that, before our marriage, we vowed never to have any sexual relationship with each other.”

你们的意思是说，在结婚之前，你们俩都如此合乎逻辑地、如此残酷地思考这一切吗？你们起草了一份很好的合同；但它能像起草时那样容易实现吗？生活比口头契约复杂一点，不是吗？ “这就是我们正在发现的。在结婚之前或之后，我们都没有向其他人谈论过这一切，这是我们的困难之一。我们不认识任何可以自由交谈的人，因为大多数老年人都会因为不赞成或拍拍我们的背而感到如此傲慢。我们听到了你们的一次演讲，我们都想来和你们讨论我们的问题。另一件事是，在我们结婚之前，我们发誓永远不会彼此有任何性关系。”

Again, why? “We are both very religiously inclined and we wanted to lead a spiritual life. Ever since I was a boy I have longed to be unworldly, to live the life of a sannyasi. I used to read a great many religious books, which only strengthened my desire. As a matter of fact, I wore the saffron robe for nearly a year.”

再说一遍，为什么？ “我们都非常虔诚，我们想过一种精神生活。从我小时候起，我就渴望成为非世俗的，渴望过着桑雅西的生活。我曾经读过很多宗教书籍，这只会加强我的欲望。事实上，我穿藏红花长袍快一年了。”

And you too? “I am not as clever or as learned as he is, but I have a strong religious background. My grandfather had a fairly good job, but he left his wife and children to become a sannyasi, and now my father wants to do the same; so far my mother has won out, but one day he too may disappear, and I have the same impulse to lead a religious life.”

你也是？ “我不像他那么聪明或有学问，但我有很强的宗教背景。我的祖父有一份相当不错的工作，但他离开了他的妻子和孩子，成为一名桑雅士，现在我父亲也想做同样的事情；到目前为止，我的母亲已经赢了，但有一天他也可能消失，我也有同样的冲动，过宗教式的生活。”

Then, if I may ask, why did you marry? “We wanted each other’s companionship,” he replied; “we loved each other and had something in common. We had felt this ever since our very young days together, and we didn’t see any reason for not getting officially married. We thought of not marrying and living together without sex, but this would have created unnecessary trouble. After our marriage everything was all right for about a year, but our longing for each other became almost intolerable. At last it was so unbearable that I used to go away; I couldn’t do my work, I couldn’t think of anything else, and I would have wild dreams. I became moody and irritable, though not a harsh word passed between us. We loved and could not hurt each other in word or act; but we were burning for each other like the midday sun, and we decided at last to come and talk it over with you. I literally cannot carry on with the vow that she and I have taken. You have no idea what it has been like.”

那么，如果我可以问，你为什么结婚？ “我们想要彼此的陪伴，”他回答说。 “我们彼此相爱，有一些共同点。我们从很小的时候就感受到了这一点，我们看不出有任何理由不正式结婚。我们想过不结婚，不做爱，但这样会造成不必要的麻烦。婚后，大约一年一切都很好，但我们对彼此的渴望几乎无法忍受。最后，它是如此难以忍受，以至于我曾经离开过；我不能做我的工作，我想不出别的，我会有疯狂的梦想。我变得喜怒无常，烦躁不安，尽管我们之间没有一句狠话。我们在言语或行动上相爱，不能互相伤害；但是我们像正午的太阳一样互相燃烧，我们终于决定来和你谈谈。我真的不能继续她和我所做的誓言。你不知道它是什么样子的。”

And what about you? “What woman doesn’t want a child by the man she loves? I didn’t know I was capable of such love, and I too have had days of torture and nights of agony. I became hysterical and would weep at the least thing, and during certain times of the month it became a nightmare. I was hoping something would happen, but even though we talked things over, it was no good. Then they started a hospital nearby and asked my help, and I was delighted to get away from it all. But it was still no good. To see him so close every day...” She was crying now with her heart.” So we have come to talk it all over. What do you say?”

而你呢？ “哪个女人不想要一个她所爱的男人的孩子？我不知道我有这样的爱，我也经历过折磨的日子和痛苦的夜晚。我变得歇斯底里，至少会哭泣，在这个月的某些时候，这变成了一场噩梦。我希望能有些事情发生，但即使我们把事情谈了过来，那也不好。然后他们在附近开了一家医院，向我求助，我很高兴能摆脱这一切。但这仍然不好。每天都能看到他这么近...” 现在她发自内心地哭了。因此，我们来到处讨论。你怎么说呢？

Is it a religious life to punish oneself? Is mortification of the body or of the mind a sign of understanding? Is self-torture a way to reality? Is chastity denial? Do you think you can go far through renunciation? Do you really think there can be peace through conflict? Does not the means matter infinitely more than the end? The end may be, but the means is. The actual, the what is, must be understood and not smothered by determinations, ideals and clever rationalizations. Sorrow is not the way of happiness. The thing called passion has to be understood and not suppressed or sublimated, and it is no good finding a substitute for it. Whatever you may do, any device that you invent, will only strengthen that which has not been loved and understood. To love what we call passion is to understand it. To love is to be indirect communion; and you cannot love something if you resent it, if you have ideas, conclusions about it. How can you love and understand passion if you have taken a vow against it? A vow is a form of resistance, and what you resist ultimately conquers you. Truth is not to be conquered; you cannot storm it; it will slip through your hands if you try to grasp it. Truth comes silently, without your knowing. What you know is not truth, it is only an idea, a symbol. The shadow is not the real.

惩罚自己是宗教生活吗？身体或头脑的禁欲是理解的标志吗？自我折磨是通往真实的一种方式吗？贞洁是满足吗？你认为你可以通过放弃世俗而走得更远吗？你真的认为通过冲突可以实现和平吗？手段不是比目的更重要吗？目的是可能性，但手段是真实的。实际的，本然的，必须被理解，而不是被决心、理想和聪明的合理化所扼杀。悲伤不是快乐之道。所谓的激情必须被理解，而不是被压制或升华，找到它的替代品是没有用的。无论你做什么，你发明的任何设备，都只会增强那些没有被爱、被理解的东西。爱我们所说的激情就是理解它。爱就是间接的共融；如果你憎恨它，如果你有想法，有关于它的结论，你就不能爱它。如果你发誓反对激情，你怎么能去爱和理解它呢？誓言是一种抵抗形式，你所抵抗的最终会征服你。真理不是要被征服的；你不能猛烈地攻击它；如果你试图抓住它，它会从你的手中溜走。真理在你不知情的情况下悄无声息地来临。你所知道的不是真理，它只是一个想法，一个象征。影子不是真实。

Surely, our problem is to understand ourselves and not to destroy ourselves. To destroy is comparatively easy. You have a pattern of action which you hope will lead to truth. The pattern is always of your own making, it is according to your own conditioning, as the end also is. You make the pattern and then take a vow to carry it out. This is an ultimate escape from yourself. You are not that self-projected pattern and its process; you are what you actually are, the desire, the craving. If you really want to transcend and be free of craving, you have to understand it completely, neither condemning nor accepting it; but that is an art which comes only through watchfulness tempered with deep passivity.

当然，我们的问题是理解自己，而不是摧毁自己。摧毁相对容易。你有一种行动模式，你希望它能带来真理。模式总是你自己创造的，它是根据你自己的限制，如同一个结论。你制造了这个模式，然后发誓要执行它。这是对你自己的终极逃避。你不是那种自我投射的模式及其过程；你就是你真实的样子，有欲望，在渴望。如果你真的想超越，摆脱渴望，你必须完全理解它，既不谴责也不接受它；但这是一门艺术，只有通过警惕和深邃的被动来磨练。

“I have read some of your talks and can follow what you mean. But what actually are we to do?”

“我读过你的一些演讲，能够跟上你的意思。但是我们到底该怎么办呢？”

It is your life, your misery, your happiness, and dare another tell you what you should or should not do? Have not others already told you? Others are the past, the tradition, the conditioning of which you also are a part. You have listened to others, to yourself, and you are in this predicament; and do you still seek advice from others, which is from yourself? You will listen, but you will accept what is pleasing and reject what is painful, and both are binding. Your taking a vow against passion is the beginning of misery, just as the indulgence of it is; but what is important is to understand this whole process of the ideal, the taking of a vow, the discipline, the pain, all of which is a deep escape from inward poverty, from the ache of inward insufficiency, loneliness. This total process is yourself.

这是你的生活，你的痛苦，你的快乐，别人敢告诉你，你应该做什么或不应该做什么？难道别人没有告诉过你吗？别人是过去，传统，是束缚，而你也属于其中的一部分。你已经听了别人的话，听了你自己的话，而你却处在这种困境中。你还在寻求别人的建议，也就是来源于你自己的建议吗？你会去听，但你只会接受令人愉悦的东西，拒绝痛苦的东西，而两者都是束缚。你用发誓来反对激情，即是痛苦的开始，就像放纵它一样；但重要的是理解理想的这整个过程，采用发誓、纪律、折磨，所有这些方式都是对内在贫困的深层次的逃避，逃避内心的不足、孤独的痛苦。这整过程，即是你自己。

“But what about children?” Again, there is no ‘yes’ or ‘no’. The search for an answer through the mind leads nowhere. We use children as pawns in the game of our conceit, and we pile up misery; we use them as another means of escape from ourselves. When children are not used as a means, they have a significance which is not the significance that you, or society, or the State may give them. Chastity is not a thing of the mind; chastity is the very nature of love. Without love, do what you will, there can be no chastity. If there is love, your question will find the true answer.

“可是孩子呢？” 同样，没有“是”或“否”。通过头脑寻找答案是无济于事的。我们把孩子当作我们自负游戏中的棋子，我们在堆积痛苦；我们用他们作为逃避自己的另一种手段。当孩子不被用作手段时，他们就有意义 —— 那种意义，也许不是你、社会或国家给予他们的。贞洁不是头脑的东西；贞洁是爱的本质。没有爱，做你想做的事，就没有贞洁。如果有爱，你的问题就会找到真正的答案。